I drive my daughter crazy because I am consistently using “when I die” or “I’m not going to be around forever” type comments. Which results in her asking if I am dying or am I sick? We are all dying, my friend.
Here is why: I was forever altered when my mom died. (and then again when my dad died) I’ve talked about it alot. I’ve written about it alot. I’m sure when she (my daughter) goes through all my stuff she will find mentions of it everywhere. I was young, but not THAT young. My mom had been sick for some time, battling cancer on and off for awhile. So it was not THAT unexpected. However. I was not prepared. Or I was prepared for some things but not others. There has not been a time when I didn’t wish my mom was here - there are stories I wish I had her version of or to be able to confirm the details of with her. I know I cannot cover all the things my kiddo will want to know after I am gone - but at least I can try. My job as a parent was to bring up a decent person, to make her ready to be out in the world on her own. I did that. I continue to do that when I can , when she needs me. If she has kids of her own, I can help prepare her for that. And I can prepare her for my death. In some ways, since my mother’s death, I have been preparing for my own. I know when I am gone, my daughter will look for things, will want to know things, will regret that I am not there to tell her things or share things with her, because I am that daughter, missing her mom. And so I say things, write things, now - for her.
Let’s be clear. I am not suicidal I am not going to harm myself. I have a good 20 years still to go. I have already declared 73 is my expiration date. Because - who wants to be 74? Not me. That is an age that has seen alot - has lived a full life. When you hear that someone died at 73 or 74 , people don’t sigh and say, “so young.” Death is not unexpected at that age. Your body has already started to break down, Things are only going to get harder. Between loss of movement, but also mentally.
Above all - I will not be a burden on anyone. If I am to a point where I have to depend on someone else to function - I will want to check out. I don’t think this means I am suicidal. I want to be here for my daughter as long as I can - but I don’t want it to come to a point where I am a hassle or an obligation.
I have been clear about my “wishes” - which I did learn from my own experience with my mom. She & I had extensive conversations about her wishes. (they were inspired by attending funerals together, or having sick loved ones, not because she was morbid or suicidal). I have a living will. I have elected DNR & no life giving machines (it should be on file w/ Yale). More so, I believe it is specified that if there is not a chance that my life would go back to normal or that I will not ever be able to live without machine assistance, then I opt out. No one will have to make that decision, I am making it for you. I also do NOT want to die “at home”. Dying at home or in a house means that in the future there will always be “Anna died here” - and that is weird for people to deal with. Someone else will have to live there, and some people are sensitive about that. I want to die in a hospital. Where the staff know what to do, and they will take care of the body and none of my family will have to worry about it. My loved ones can be bereft and wrapped up in their grief, and they won’t have to worry about what happens to my body.
My body - cremate it. Dump the ashes somewhere. I haven’t figured that out yet - I’ll return to this document when I figure that out and put it here. Niagara Falls would be nice, but I don’t think you can get away with that. But in Nemo, didn’t they say that all water was connected (all drains lead to the sea?)? So any salt water, I guess. (pay attention to the tides! If the tide is coming in, so will my ashes! eeeew)
And no funeral or wake. NO NO NO NO VIEWING. Jesus Christ. Do not embalm me. Do not put me on display for people to look at. A hex upon you and your entire family and your cow if you do this. Seriously. Don’t test me. WHY? Its gross. Its morbid. It is a dead body. More so - I am not there. That is not me. I learned that when my cousin Jimmy died. His death was sudden, and unexpected. I thought that seeing his body would give people the closure they needed. That confirmation that this was real. Instead, I remember looking at his body and thinking and feeling very strongly, “That is not him. That is not Jimmy.” Yes, because to some extent these dead bodies that morticians embalm and make up for the viewings, don’t usually look like the actual people. In Jimmy’s case it was supremely obvious that his soul in that body was what made it him. The energy filling those cells portrayed his personality. This was literally an empty shell. The body was not him. He was not there. You will have other ways to remember me, say good bye to me. A viewing or mass or wake or funeral are not it.
Yeah - its been said - have a party. Celebrate my life. If you want to. I have another blog that has music that was the "soundtrack" of my life, so include those. Even the cringey ones! People will have fun discussing them or recalling moments with them. Everyone will have to grieve in their own way. I hope that everyone finds that for themselves.
Know this. If there comes a time where I know that I am dying - I will try to figure out how to opt out before I get to a point where I can’t. I will not put my kid through that trauma of watching her mother deteriorate and have her memories tainted with the poison of that trauma. I just won’t do it. I’ll figure it out.
P.s. 7/2025 - original was posted 10/2024, not sure if that was when it was written. I have stated many many times that if anything were to happen to my daughter that I would opt out myself. There are two reasons for this. 1) I always felt that my life's purpose was to be a mom. See post about that here. So without her in the world, there is no purpose for me. I know that sounds dramatic, and also puts alot of pressure on my child but also 2) I would not be able to live through that grief. Losing my parents was hard. I believe that I was permanently changed when my mom died - it was a big deal. And Grief just doesn't go away. It just doesn't. and I don't think I could handle it. I can't imagine how. People do it. People find purpose and they move on. I just don't think I could.
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