To my daughter I am sorry for the world we are leaving you with.

April 14, 2024

To my daughter

I am sorry for the world we are leaving you with.

It is so fucked up.

Human beings suck.

Overall.

There are so many beautiful human beings, but they are individuals.

Overall, bring multiple of these human beings together and they suck. They support each other's bad ideas and they go with it.

And it's awful.

Truly, I believe that we have no right to bring more life into this disaster. It's not fair to procreate and bring a child into it. It's also selfish. Sure you get to be a mom or dad and you get to love something more than anything else. But the end result is bringing another innocent into this fucking hell hole that the earth is right now. I didn't always think this way. I thought things were weird in the world, sure, but they don't seem 2024 bad. They weren't post-Trump, millennials bad. It wasn't something I would be afraid to bring a child into.

But then again, I guess we didn't. We didn't bring another innocent into this world.

We wanted a baby.

And we are so lucky to have been chosen to raise you.

We were so lucky to be able to give you a decent life.

Not perfect. But partially it's because this world is fucked up and we are doing the best we can.

My family is white trash Trumpsters , some are racist. Directly the opposite of my mom and me. How we became liberal, equalitarians is beyond me. 

Your Dad's family is conservative Italian Catholics who worry about how things appear or how they rank vs others. Once I thought your dad was more open and accepting / understanding of things, but it turns out that may have been him adapting his behavior to be accepted by his surroundings (me, my friends) .

I specifically sought out ways to protect you from trauma, but failed, still.

Because this world sucks.

Because I can do nothing about other people's trauma to stop them from victimizing you.

Because other parents have their own issues.

I remember the look on your face and your confusion when neighborhood kids were being assholes.

You were taught to treat people how you want to be treated. You were taught to be respectful and kind. And here these children, your peers, were being little assholes.

I could not explain it to you. It didn't make sense to me either.

Obviously someone fucked Gabe up.

Even if he was biologically fucked up, his parents did not do their duty to help him ... At least not before he victimized someone.

I knew that there were fucked up people out there.

This is why I put you in martial arts.

I needed you, as a girl, to be able to defend yourself.

Because the world is fucked up.

And I put in rules that you weren't allowed to be alone with him. You weren't allowed to go into his house.

But you were a child. And maybe you didn't understand why we had these rules.

You didn't realize that it was to protect you.

You may not have realized that was why you were in martial arts.

Because I knew how fucked up this world is. And there is nothing that I could do about that.

Except try to have you be prepared for it.

To be able to defend yourself in it.

Do not get me wrong. 20 years ago, I absolutely would have brought a baby into this world. I wanted nothing else more than that. Yes, the word was still fucked up then, but it seems not as much. Or maybe I was naive. Or maybe I was caught in my own selfish need to be a mom.

In fact when your dad said to me, "maybe this is it. Maybe our family is complete with just you & I, and that's ok" , I said no. More like, "hell no". My life was not complete without a child. Whatever that means. It didn't matter how. Adoption. Giving birth. Step-kid.  Here's something I never said out loud to anyone, if he was not open to adoption, if he was ok with being childless - we would have broken up. Not right away. But soon.

Sure, we broke up anyway. But we would have broken up years and years sooner. And it would have been simply, "she wanted kids and I couldn't give her that" As fucked up as that sounds. And I would have "had" a kid on my own or gotten together with someone else who could "give me a kid" - in whatever way. (They already had a kid, adoption, or birthing one myself - the how didn't matter.);

Although I am kinda glad I didn't have to push a kid out.

The fact that you needed a good home is a happy coincidence.

We weren't trying to "save" you from the life you would have had with Michelle. Or Debra Byrd.

We felt so lucky and honored that Michelle picked us to bring up her baby.

We didn't think we were "saving you", in fact we were a little angry at being put in that position.

Something I should have realized was a red flag, but went along with it because I felt it was making compromises:

When we were talking about adoption, Ed had rules. Deal breakers. Things I did not agree with as dealbreakers but went along with because at least he was willing to adopt. I will repeat in case you didn't get it - these were HIS rules, HIS dealbreakers.  

• *Child needed to be white. Or white-passing. Because: we would be bringing it up in East Haven, and East Haven is not that diverse (which isn't true, even though it has a racist reputation, there actually IS diversity.) and also - this is a direct quote , "could you see us with a black baby??"
• *Child needed not to have physical disabilities or health issues - because that's too much work (even though, there is a chance if you birth a baby for them to have issues, OR what if something happens , accidents or sickness, it's not like you are going to abandon the child then)
• *Child needed to be an infant. Because otherwise we would be dealing with psychological issues that were caused by the situation or birth parents. Basically, we did not want to have to deal with someone else's mistakes. We were going to make our own mistakes as parents, and that was enough. Older kids were damaged goods.
• *Birth mother needed to be alcohol & drug free and fairly healthy - because of not it could result in problems with the baby.

I had the outlook that if I birthed a child, physical, emotional, mental issues could always be possible. I am no better a baby maker or vessel than some one else. Actually, I have my own bio-issues. Addiction, cancer, high blood pressure, heart disease, diabetes - my DNA isn't exactly first rate. Please know that there is not a branch of my family tree that hasn't been touched by cancer. And no one is actually a picture of health. I think cousin Joey is the closest, and he likes to hunt & drink, and have assholes as friends.

When you were born with cocaine in your system we certainly could have felt duped and forced into the "savior" role. We had no interest in that. Drugs during pregnancy was one of our dealbreakers. One of the social workers even said that to us. "I know drugs was one of your dealbreakers" , I guess we could have changed our minds ?? Something we didn't even consider - we had already fell in love with you. Which is weird because you weren't even born yet, but we felt like you were ours. You were our kid. For me, it made me angry that Michelle put Our Kid in danger. I didn't feel "duped" or forced into the savior role, I was just angry that Michelle did that to our kid. Or even HER kid.

She put herself in the position that if she hadn't made the adoption plan, if we weren't waiting in the wings to take the baby - the state would have taken the baby from her and she would have went to jail for endangerment. (At least that is what we were told) . You would have been a ward of the state. I worked for the childrens center. I knew what happened to wards of the state, and it was not good. We would not let that happen to you. However, it wasn't really an option - in our minds, you were ours already.

If Michelle changed her mind, and kept you, we would have been devastated. And you would have been Skylar. In both name and probably demeanor.

Who is to say what is better? I guess - you.